TARDIS Chatroom
by mooshymoomoo
Summary: River and Rory set up some wifi in the Tardis... Some interesting conversations ensue.  T for mild language/themes  alcohol


9:23 PM **River Song:** Hello sweetie, this is faster than texting.

9:24 PM MUM!

9:26 PM **Amy Pond:** RIVER

You're right, it is

9:27 PM **River Song:** As I was saying before, the clever must be from Kovarian.

did you understand that mum?

or were you not clever enough to figure it out?

9:28 PM **Amy Pond:** Yes I understood that and don't get smart with me.

**River Song:** Did you? Really? Then what was the underlying meaning? Because if you didn't really get it, then I'm not going to say it.

9:29 PM ;)

9:30 PM **Amy Pond:** You developed your cleverness from Madame Kovarian, not from your father nor I because apparently we aren't as smart as you.

**River Song:** Not quite... not at all.

Penny in the air...

**Amy Pond:** Then what were you trying to get across?

9:31 PM **River Song:** Aaand I don't

9:32 PM see it dropping anytime soon...

**Amy Pond:** Why is that?

9:33 PM **River Song:** Spoilers. ;)

**Amy Pond:** River...

**River Song:** Mummy mummy, pay attention.

9:35 PM **Amy Pond:** Pay attention? Pay attention to what?

**River Song:** And there we are! That's the problem!

You see, I can't even remember the point I was trying to make.

9:36 PM **Amy Pond:** Excuse me, but I don't have your cleverness...

9:38 PM **River Song:** Well pardon me for the memory loss, I was in the custody of the Silence and trained as a perfect psychopath with routine memory wipes, probably every few minutes...

9:39 PM **Amy Pond:** Don't get started with that whole thing now..

**River Song:** What? What are you talking about?

Kidding!

9:45 PM **River Song:** Oh, I see how it is. what, am i grounded? and how are you going to enforce that? you don't even know where i am. Well, possibly you do. MADAME THAT IS ENTIRELY BESIDE THE POINT.

9:46 PM THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, I HAVE A VORTEX MANIPULATOR. I WENT BACK TO YOUR PREWEDDING NIGHT AND WATCHED YOU IN YOUR ROOM THROUGH THE WINDOW AND **THAT** IS HOW I KNOW YOU ATTEMPTED TO RAPE MY HUSBAND.

**Amy Pond:** Maybe I do. I could always call the doctor..

9:47 PM I did NOT try to rape him!

**River Song:** **awkward.**

9:49 PM let's see... you kissed him against his will and spread your legs far wider apart than i have ever seen for anything but childbirth and/or ... sexual... sexy ... **things**... with Rory...

9:50 PM Father... well, I'd rather not think about that so FIRST NAMES IT IS.

9:52 PM **Well,** if you need to talk to me... you have... my... cellphone... number...

9:53 PM **Amy Pond:** How did you find out about that?

I'm not done talking to you River!

**River Song:** fine.

WELL I told you ***mummy mummy pay attention***

9:54 PM **Amy Pond:** I was... now what were you trying to tell meM

*?

**River Song:** i used the vortex manipulator to watch through the window. I didnt expect that, don't worry I'm not perverted, I just wanted to see how you were coping with the angles. And angel Bob. I rather liked him...

9:55 PM Hm... well I meant to say angels, but i guess angles are interesting too.

9:56 PM **Amy Pond:** You liked Bob?

why would you look in on us anyway?

9:57 PM **River Song:** in a best friend sort of way...

9:58 PM I WAS LOOKING IN TO SEE HOW YOU WERE DEALING WITH DRAMA OF THE DAY'S EVENTS! people were erased from the universe that day! you nearly died! we all nearly died! we were in a ruddy forest in space with stone assassins!

**Amy Pond:** Well then.

9:59 PM **River Song:** Oh, by the way, I broke into Torchwood the other day...

10:00 PM **Amy Pond:** River! How many times do I have to tell you NOT to break into places unless it's prison!

._. I never thought I would ever have to say that...

**River Song:** And **that** is why I wasn't at family dinner. I may or may not have been locked in a dank sell in the base of the Horizons exhibit... with the weavils...

10:01 PM SHIT AND SONICS! YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THOSE!

10:03 PM **Amy Pond:** MELODY POND!

Sonics now?

GET RID OF THEM

NOW

10:04 PM **River Song:** Hey mum,... you want to come over? I just bought some new wine yesterday, from Paris... iiiin 1782. I may or may not have what could supposedly be used as date rape drugs because they erase your memory of the past 10 hours... maybe it's called retcon...

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MADE YOUR OWN SONIC PROBE!

10:05 PM **Amy Pond:** That's different! It was a different me!

And it was only because I had to survive!

**River Song:** but do you remember it?

**Amy Pond:** I'm definitely NOT coming over.

10:06 PM And yes, I do remember. Sort of.

But only because of stories Tory has told me

*Rory

**River Song:** I'm sorry, but i have to drug you. unless you want both of us to die...

10:07 PM i told you classified information for Toooooorchwood minds only.

**Amy Pond:** What are you talking about?

River..

I'm not getting drugged!

10:08 PM **River Song:** Jack drugged me, but I guess I'm just cool enough to remember everything. Like a Tardis.

OH GOOD GALLIFREY NOW I'M TALKING LIKE HIM.

10:09 PM **Amy Pond:** River have you also been...drinking?

**River Song:** Well, now you know what my marital life is like. saving the world, hoarding, and insanity. how is your married life then?

:|

What can I say. After the week I've had, my mind is a bit frazzled.

10:10 PM i've only had one glass...

**Amy Pond:** Mine...it's responsible...

Your mind is always frazzled..

10:11 PM **River Song:** what? "mine... it's responsible"

are you saying I'm not normal?

**Amy Pond:** No!

**River Song:** are you calling your daughter that you love so much a... psychopath?

10:12 PM that's fine...

It really is, actually...

**Amy Pond:** Well you can be sometimes..but everyone is a psychopath at one point...

**River Song:** just be happy that you don't need to pick me up from some sketchy bar on Calisto B...

10:13 PM yes, but i'm a **trained** psychopath.

that's completely and uttery different.

**Amy Pond:** you're right..

**River Song:** Well then. I just said the word uttery.

10:14 PM i meant utterly. the rest of that would've said "my psychotic... foundation, let's say, is much deeper and therefore more prominent, permanent, and lasting, but...

10:15 PM I don't know. I just didn't feel like saying it.

**Amy Pond:** Okay just calm down...

**River Song:** HA! I COULDN'T BE **CALMER**!

10:16 PM oh, shut up. we both know i'm pissed off my ass. so mum.

i have just one one warning.

**Amy Pond:** What is that?

**River Song:** don't drink. drink and you're dead.

:0

10:17 PM SAY WHAAAA?

Oh dear...

**Amy Pond:** River...!

**River Song:** why don't you. cryyyyyy meee... a river. OH MICHALE BUBLE! HE'S BLOODY BRILLIANT!

10:18 PM **Amy Pond:** River...

**River Song:** o0o i'm siiinging in the rain...

did you know...

10:19 PM that... fish... swim... in...

**RIVERS?**

**Amy Pond:** You know, you're not goinbg to remember a thing tomorrow..

**River Song:** that means, that, every fish i have ever eaten could still be inside me! right now!

10:20 PM **Amy Pond:** River, you're drunk. Oh please, they aren't living in you.

10:21 PM **River Song:** I bet you there's a little tiny Doctor fish, and a mummy fish, and a daddy fish, and a me fish! they're all in there! ***pats stomach*** with a little fish sized Tardis! off to save the world from... giant... KITTENS TRYING TO EAT THEM!

oh! OH! **OH!** I KNOW!

JIM THE FISH!

10:22 PM **Amy Pond:** River! Go to sleep.

Now!

10:23 PM **River Song:** ...NO...

**Amy Pond:** River, you will listen to me NOW!

Don't make me call him..

**River Song:** but...

10:24 PM even I (**I!**) don't know where he ish! and I'm his wife!

HE IS CHEATING ON ME!

with... THE TARDIS!

10:25 PM OOOOH! BOYS AND THEIR TOYS!

I SHOULD'VE SEEN THIS COMING!

**Amy Pond:** River! I always know how to contact him

He isn't cheating with you..

**River Song:** I'm his wife, and that's the onnly thing he **EVER** calls sexy!

***le drunkenly sobbing***

**Amy Pond:** Rover..

10:26 PM *River

**River Song:** NOW WHO'S THE DRUNK ONE! YOU CALLED ME A DOGGY DOG PUP NAME!

**Amy Pond:** That's it!

10:27 PM I'm calling him!

You can't stop me

**River Song:** No.

10:28 PM ah ha ha! but i can!

i can stop you!

**Amy Pond:** How exactly?

10:29 PM **River Song:** I haven't quite figured that out yet but. **but** when i do, I can go back in time and stop you. laws of time regardless! WHEEE! oh, i didn;t realize my garden doubled as a spinny ride!

**Amy Pond:** He's going to try and locate you :P

Trust me..

10:31 PM **River Song:** we'll see about that...

10:33 PM **Amy Pond:** You're impossible you know that?

**River Song:** AND AN ASTRONAUT! I AM A SPACEMAN! I CAN FLYYYYY

10:34 PM **Amy Pond:** River! SLEEP! NOW

**River Song:** well... i suppose i could take a **nap**

***falls asleep on table***

10:35 PM **wakes up** WHO CALLED THE POLICE!

10:38 PM **Amy Pond:** River get some sleep. I'm going to go go because Rory is calling me over. I might be able to talk later tonight. Goodnight.

10:40 PM **River Song:** I LOVE YOU UMMYWUM

**Amy Pond:** I love you too River, as does Rory. Goodnight


End file.
